We Could Learn a Little Something from the Zulu....

When I was completing my undergraduate degree, I was introduced to a phrase by a dear friend. This phrase helped me write my admission statement to graduate school, along with my thesis paper four years later. The meaning behind it influences the way I view the world, run my practice, be present with clients, connect with friends and family, and has helped me construct a life I want to live.

“Umumtu ngumuntu ngabantu”

This proverb stems from the South African tribe, the Zulu, and their philosophy of Ubuntu. Loosely translated, the proverb means:

“A human is human through other humans”

The philosophy of Ubuntu embraces the human connection. We are who we are because of our interactions, bonds, and ties with others, whether it be in a supporting or a lead role. In the heart of their community sits values such as interconnectedness, interdependence, and promoting the well-being of all humans. Not only is it promoted, it is consider a societal responsibility to recognize and sustain another’s well-being, along with your own. It’s a healing energy that carries through and bonds generations, teaching the humanitarian tools of compassion, empathy, tolerance, and understanding.

The magnificence of this philosophy lies in the ever-growing connection to our ancestors and our future generations. It’s another way of defining legacy and the impact we have on others. And, inherently, ourselves.

How does this proverb relate to our lives? Think about how all the people in your life have influenced you in some way – the good, the bad, the ugly; for the five minutes they were in your life or the lifetime relationships you’ve sustained. These individuals have contributed to so many aspects of ourselves – how we view the world, how we view ourselves in the world, our understanding of physical and emotional boundaries, our learned behaviors, maladaptive or healthy coping mechanisms, our purpose, our meaning, our understanding of who we are and what we have to give to ourselves and to the world. What it even means to be human.

These same individuals that have influenced us so deeply, shaping who we are or modeling who we want to be, were also shaped by their connections, relationships, interactions. And the cycle moves forward. We are all connected through the lens of Ubuntu.

While we can relate this proverb to empowerment and enlightenment, it also allows us to come from a place of compassion and empathy with our fellow human beings. Even if the continuum of these relationships may not be considered a positive one. Take, for instance, the cycle of abuse. We can move forward in our lives resenting a caregiver, a friend, a significant other, a stranger for violating our sense of safety. We can blame them for the difficulties we face on a daily basis, our inability to maintain satisfying and healthy relationships, for hating ourselves and believing we will never be good enough.

But who is that really hurting?

Not only ourselves, but the interactions and connections we have with others, and the interactions and connections these others have with others….  I think you get it.

What assists in moving forward with this complex healing process is the understanding that the individual who hurt us was also given these same messages and treated in similar ways they treated us. They are wounded, too. Reenter compassion, empathy, tolerance, and understanding; it is in this healing space where the cycle of abuse stops. And this isn't a journey you have to take alone. There are individuals who will help you heal, and as you heal, others innately heal as well.

As a counselor, I find that as my clients start to heal parts of themselves, I continue to heal parts of myself as well. This healing happens without them even knowing my back story. 

In the light of Ubuntu, we are all wounded healers. It is my hope that within this light we all promote the healing and well-being of one another through compassion, empathy, tolerance, and understanding.  This is how we are connected. This is our common ground. And this is where our healing process starts. 

The Power of Language: Saying Yes to Ourselves

Over the last few years, I have discovered the power that language has over us and the lives we lead. I was completely ignorant of the pervasiveness of language, the way it continues to shape our lives, our meanings, our purpose, and the relationships we have with ourselves and others.

Language is so powerful it can keep us imprisoned in our depression, anxiety, addictions, low self esteem/efficacy, cycles of unfulfilling relationships, and, well, the list could go on. We can all fill in our blanks here.

On a larger scale, language can keep whole groups of fellow human beings disenfranchised, segregated, discriminated against; language can lengthen the gap of inequity between human beings. It can keep us categorized, in neat little boxes. And when we don’t have the language to categorize, we become very uncomfortable, unsure, confused, and fearful.

Language can change the course of our collective lives and the direction of a nation, helping us to uncover our hopes, dreams, and achieve what it is we most desire. Consider the powerfulness behind the words Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. careful constructed to empower a nation of people to seek justice and promote liberty for all (wo)man kind:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the context of their character.”

I mean, pretty powerful stuff, right?

As history has shown, at a macro-level, the words chosen by leaders have the energy and the force to shape the culture of our society.

At a micro-level, the words we choose to use in our self-talk holds this same supremacy over our lives and the paths we lay before ourselves. I’ve always believed in positive affirmations, but it wasn’t until the last few years of my graduate studies and actually getting my feet wet in the mental health counseling field that I’ve truly encompassed the depth of this idea.

 “I will never be happy in my life,”; “I can’t achieve that, I’m too stupid,”; “I have no purpose, no direction in my life,”; “I’m so fat and ugly, no wonder I’m alone.” I think I got a little depressed just typing these examples of stinking thinking, but we have all told ourselves similar statements.

Our negative self-talk feeds into our insecurities, our depression, our anxieties, our desire to be good enough but just falling short.

And, guess what, our insecurities, depression, anxieties, need to be good enough, feeds into our negative self talk.

“I think, therefore I am,” the philosophical Latin phrase that questions the state of one’s existence, may also be considered relevant in this arena.  I believe our thoughts help to shape who we are and who we are helps to shape our thoughts. How and where we originally learned this pattern of thinking about ourselves is also something I explore with my clients, but that’s another blog for another day.

This cyclical pattern may feel overwhelming at first glance. What can we do to stop such a pervasive pattern and deeply-seeded learned responses? The beauty in understanding the power of language, and saying yes to yourself, is you now have the artillery to do something about it. I tell my clients all the time, you may not be able to control your first thought, but you can control your second one. In doing so, you are giving yourself a gift and saying yes to yourself, your dreams, success, and happiness. You can open many doors to many wonderful experiences and achievements through the power of strength-based language.

Dr. King, Jr. was the change he wanted to see (Thanks, Gandhi), and even though he faced some serious adversity in the face of ignorance, discrimination, and prejudice, he was steadfast in his beliefs, carrying forward and telling himself he could, and had to, continue forth.

So go write on your bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker and stick Post-It notes all over your house: “I am beautiful,”; “I am a success,”; “I am capable of achieving my dreams.”

And when in doubt, always take a moment to find your breath, be present in the moment, and show up for yourself.